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A patient recovering from a wisdom tooth extraction, still woozy from anesthesia, spat out the bloody gauze in his mouth. Then he started sobbing: "Was that my liver? Oh no, my liver!"
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Patient: "What's the maintenance for this?" Nurse: "What maintenance?" Patient: "Oh no, now I feel like a car."
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A young man and his girlfriend came in at 2 a.m. convinced "something had torn his throat open." He looked fine. Asked what was wrong, he said, "I don't feel it, but look, it's right there." He was pointing at his uvula.
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Mid extraction, a patient told his dentist: "Charlatan, I demand you return my teeth. They are mine and I will choose where they are spent."
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Nurse: "Any history of high blood pressure?" Patient: "Nope." Nurse, eyeing the antihypertensive on the bed: "Do you take any medication?" Patient: "Yeah, captopril." Nurse: "So you are hypertensive." Patient: "Nope. The pills keep my pressure stable."
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"My daddy has thyroids, and I do too."
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From a three-year-old: "I know the difference between boys and girls. Boys have a penis and girls have pajamas."
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"Oh, I'm so constipated. Please bring me some eye drops."
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A bedridden little old lady to her nurse: "When the cat's away, the kitten will play." Wink.
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"Can I pass gas out of my penis? I think I'm passing gas out my penis. Do you hear it?"
Frequently Asked Questions
Why did the patient on captopril insist he is not hypertensive?
It is a common misconception. High blood pressure usually has no symptoms, so people assume that feeling fine means they are cured. The CDC is clear that the medicine is what keeps the numbers stable, and stopping it lets pressure climb again.
Should anyone stop blood pressure medicine once their readings look normal?
No. The CDC advises never stopping or changing blood pressure medication without talking to your clinician first, because uncontrolled hypertension quietly raises the risk of heart attack and stroke.
Why do patients say such strange things to nurses?
Anesthesia, pain medication, fear, and plain grogginess all loosen the filter. A patient waking from a wisdom-tooth extraction is not thinking clearly, which is how "Was that my liver?" happens.
Do nurses actually laugh at patients?
Not to their face. Nurses (registered nurses make up one of the largest healthcare occupations, per the Bureau of Labor Statistics) hear hundreds of these lines, and the humor is a coping tool, not contempt.
Is it unprofessional for a nurse to find a patient funny?
No, as long as it stays respectful and private. Keeping a sense of humor is part of how nurses manage long, heavy shifts without burning out.